When I was growing up I was a tomboy running around with my boy cousins doing ruff things scaring myself up, it was fun and I was in my element.I had little crushes on boys, but when I look back it was more going with the flow of heterosexuality than anything more. At the same time however; I loved reading and writing short stories or acting out plays alone in my room by myself; Why by myself you ask, well because i always put myself in the male roles. I was the strong hero who save the girl, loved the girl, kissed the girl and at times fucked the girl to a very satisfying conclusion, this is how my huge ego started and blossomed..I was amazing and everything I did caused the women shakes and palpitations-ERGO EGO! Let's stop though because I'm in transgression land, annnyway-I couldn't really share that with the world even if i still didn't get it..right? Okay, I was writing a short story one summer day. I remember because I was fifteen (late bloomer yes!) on summer break from school, I was hiding out from then boyfriend because he was constantly annoying me with wanting to make out ALL OF THE TIME, the boy was such a boy! (I have nothing against boys/men..there cool as friends. Really!)I wanted a little alone time for me and my brain. ( i came to find out even girls gets annoyed with her girl not paying attention to her..maybe I'm a big douche guy after all.)Okay forget about my lapse in concentration, I was writing and at a point where the hunky male lead (ME!) was about to kiss the sexy femme fatal (totally my type even in my head btw!) I stopped writing and froze, a certain and surety came to me and i felt a chill go up my back. To this day i have never felt such a leap in my heart or a time when it actually felt as if it was not beating. The fear and the exhilaration was like a rush and let down at the same time. I saw my family hating me, I saw none of my children being born, I saw ME never ever being real or truthful with anyone because this was not good in the world eyes. Being me I shut down that part of me and ignored it. Over the years "THE GAY" seeped out(My lame label for who i am or was) and I gave in but I always,always shut back down.The fear had me denying me and over the years i have made myself feel wrong or bad out of that fear.The reason I'm writing this is to say I am now 34 years old. I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THE SHAME AND THE CLOSET! I'm done, this is my life i need to take hold of it. I lost a very important family member these past few weeks and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do,I thought it was gonna be coming out; but it wasn't! When I finally came out to my family, I was told this all across the board " I KNEW.I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO TELL ME". I Put all of this importance and effort in hurting myself for NOTHING..THEY KNEW AND WAS WAITING FOR ME TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH TELLING THEM!!!(GO FUCKIN FIGURE!)It's never as bad as you think! I'm not a person who let's herself cry, but I have been the biggest cry baby lately and I let the tears fall and not be afraid because it took time to get here; but I'm HERE! Alive and Well, much BETTER for the road I had to take. I think of these kids who are killing themselves thinking nothing and no one will make this right or will accept them for them, I'm here to tell you..hold on and hold tight life always has a special window to look through. Maybe your family or loved ones won't except you as mine had, I was beautifully lucky. You just have to trust in what ever higher power YOU hold true and know that life has many twist and turns on your road,going straight is not always the only option!
I'M OUT
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