Family Divided

My family are the most important people in my life. I love them and want and need their approval (can't really understand why) I live my life as my own but at the same time i'm tethered by them in ways i need a therapist to decipher and i'm only a cook! my family is in some ways very close and far a part we love each other but our egos, dramas and self Independence collide constantly. We don't talk about the big things we gloss over them and pretend nothing exist when in fact there is a world of importance to discuss! I'm not a big talker of feelings ; but FUCK, I WISH SOMEONE WOULD AT LEAST ASK A FUCKING QUESTION!

Beautiful Crescent Moon Tonight...

The meaning...no idea!

Real Talk..When I realized I was Gay.

When I was growing up I was a tomboy running around with my boy cousins doing ruff things scaring myself up, it was fun and I was in my element.I had little crushes on boys, but when I look back it was more going with the flow of heterosexuality than anything more. At the same time however; I loved reading and writing short stories or acting out plays alone in my room by myself; Why by myself you ask, well because i always put myself in the male roles. I was the strong hero who save the girl, loved the girl, kissed the girl and at times fucked the girl to a very satisfying conclusion, this is how my huge ego started and blossomed..I was amazing and everything I did caused the women shakes and palpitations-ERGO EGO! Let's stop though because I'm in transgression land, annnyway-I couldn't really share that with the world even if i still didn't get it..right? Okay, I was writing a short story one summer day. I remember because I was fifteen (late bloomer yes!) on summer break from school, I was hiding out from then boyfriend because he was constantly annoying me with wanting to make out ALL OF THE TIME, the boy was such a boy! (I have nothing against boys/men..there cool as friends. Really!)I wanted a little alone time for me and my brain. ( i came to find out even girls gets annoyed with her girl not paying attention to her..maybe I'm a big douche guy after all.)Okay forget about my lapse in concentration, I was writing and at a point where the hunky male lead (ME!) was about to kiss the sexy femme fatal (totally my type even in my head btw!) I stopped writing and froze, a certain and surety came to me and i felt a chill go up my back. To this day i have never felt such a leap in my heart or a time when it actually felt as if it was not beating. The fear and the exhilaration was like a rush and let down at the same time. I saw my family hating me, I saw none of my children being born, I saw ME never ever being real or truthful with anyone because this was not good in the world eyes. Being me I shut down that part of me and ignored it. Over the years "THE GAY" seeped out(My lame label for who i am or was) and I gave in but I always,always shut back down.The fear had me denying me and over the years i have made myself feel wrong or bad out of that fear.The reason I'm writing this is to say I am now 34 years old. I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THE SHAME AND THE CLOSET! I'm done, this is my life i need to take hold of it. I lost a very important family member these past few weeks and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do,I thought it was gonna be coming out; but it wasn't! When I finally came out to my family, I was told this all across the board " I KNEW.I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO TELL ME". I Put all of this importance and effort in hurting myself for NOTHING..THEY KNEW AND WAS WAITING FOR ME TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH TELLING THEM!!!(GO FUCKIN FIGURE!)It's never as bad as you think! I'm not a person who let's herself cry, but I have been the biggest cry baby lately and I let the tears fall and not be afraid because it took time to get here; but I'm HERE! Alive and Well, much BETTER for the road I had to take. I think of these kids who are killing themselves thinking nothing and no one will make this right or will accept them for them, I'm here to tell you..hold on and hold tight life always has a special window to look through. Maybe your family or loved ones won't except you as mine had, I was beautifully lucky. You just have to trust in what ever higher power YOU hold true and know that life has many twist and turns on your road,going straight is not always the only option!

I'M OUT

Glee, Brit and Santana ,feelings so far..

These two are the cutest..the scissor sisters. Hahaha notice my show of amazing humour there, it's okay if u didn't laugh i did...that's all that matters.






I love this show brief comments on season so far and Go-
Finn and Rachel adorable,don't care what the lame sites say.
Mercedes needs more screen time.
Quin is so FUCKING HOT! Can't blame Sam for wanting her to
shades those eyes are like little erotic sex lasers..yes I'm
laughing at my own joke again.
Kurt-needs some boy lovin get that dude another dude for heavens sake!
Mike and Tina uhm their okay
Puck and Artie, I think Puck is like barley on the show this season so-
arrrrrg Artie, okay I'm gonna just say dude you had sex for the first
time with a hot cheerleader and you get mad at Her, WTF!

Okay finale Brit and Santana rocking my world when did those two get so
good? must be all the lady kisses.





I'm Out!

New way of thinking!

I have decided to think positive when it comes to love no more doubts or misconceptions I'm gonna be real dam it!!!

New Girl Crush...Well Two??

So i have this extremely adorable manager(yes she's straight as fuck!) I know ladies i know straight girl crushes never goes any where and if it does it turns out pretty sucky. but the thing is I'm not looking for it to go any where i am enjoying the flirting and starting up pointless conversations just to hear her voice(my part) the slight arm touching(on her part) the soft laughing and eyes focusing where they shouldn't(we both do that)it's fun and won't lead to love or marriage(not with each other anyway) it's just a simple work place crush...Right?

Now second crush has great potential to go far if i could just take my head out of my ass long enough to get over myself and actually talk to her.You see people when i really like a girl i shut down and avoid her at all cost until i work up the nerve to see what's happening or will happen I'm LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD BOY ASKING OUT HIS FIRST WET DREAM ! Yeah it's not good, but very funny-if you are not ME! That's me lame and single looking for the courage to talk to the very pretty girl i see on the bus everyday...(deep sigh as i wipe away my non existing tear).It will be if it is to be.

This Is What I Want From My True Love....

SCARED YET??????


I want a woman who don't care if I have a car or not.(and don't want one)

I want a woman with different kinds of humor..aka likes weird SHIT!

I want a woman who don't mind that I personally hate jewelery but would gladly buy her some if she wants it.

I want a woman who don't need to constantly..talk..every..single..minute..of ..the..freak'in....DAY!

I want a woman who likes sex and is not afraid of being intimate...as in cuddling or spooning(and then having sex again)

I want a woman who respects my style and what I do with my wardrobe( still look fly as hell!! what???)and don't attempt to change a sista ya know!

I want a woman who the fuck loves the fact that I don't like to go out and party. I like my own house that I pay the bills for, that I work hard to stay in. I'll be happy to meet your family and friends(both ways and my family fly as hell), but we don't need to spend every waking moment with them sweetie...wink, wink, wink; have my oh so subtle hint been dropped properly and effortlessly?

I still like to go out (occasionally) and party but, for the most part I want to stay home with my lady love and enjoy US.. yes motherfucker, US. That's not alien information; that's life. Many people like staying home with the people they want to stay home with . That don't make them different or wrong or just plain fucked up,or dare I say BORING.... WHAT? This makes us normal people who loves being with our loves and not feeling the need to party with the whole world when we just want to be with YOU. If you don't :well that sounds like your problem....... NOT MINE!!!!

I'M OUT!
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